You Tube...

So, a year and a half ago I posted a video on youtube. No preconceptions. I had lost over 100 pounds, I felt great about that and figured I'd post my journey. I thought I'd get, I don't know 50 or so hits...well, as of this morning it has gotten over 54,000 views.

Though that tickles me pink, what REALLY surprised me is the hundreds of comments and messages I get everyday. Some of them just congratulating me. Then, there is the rare off handed rude remark, but I don't let it affect me. But, really a majority of the messages are messages of desperation.

Some of the messages bring tears to my eyes. I've had people tell me that they lost weight because of my video. That they are starting to accept their PCOS symptoms b/c of my video. I even had a message once from someone who said that they were so depressed at the bleak outlook of a life with PCOS that they were contemplating suicide but didn't after seeign my video.

I have guilt b/c I don't respond to all the messages as timely as I'd like. But, they all weigh on me. In fact, the more and more I get and the more and more messages I get, the more I contemplate my future.

I have never known what I wanted to be when I "grew up". I have so many interests I could never decide. But, they were all just that, interests. Mere, intriguing things. Nothing that lit a fire under my ass or in my heart.

I have entertained this thought, in jest, for a year or so now. And, with every message I get the more I seriously consider it. It gets me fired up like nothing else (well, except being a mom/wife, politics, gay rights, etc). Well, okay I'm a gruff, hethanistic woman, alot gets me fired up and passionate. There is just something about being a spearhead for PCOS that just gets me like nothing else.

The anger against this disorder I feel is immense when I see it affecting the quality of a woman's life. Yet, the uniquness it brings when you accept it as a part of you and you own your symptoms.

I really feel, for lack of a better, more atheistic phrase, I am "meant" to do something that involves PCOS and women. I can't pin point what yet...Wheter it be a nutritionist that specializes in PCOS. Or some sort of community figure or a gyno. The ob/gyn option is the most difficult and outrageous, but the one that pulls me the most. I can't count the number of times I was more well-versed on this disorder than my doctors. Or, the occasional doctor who think PCOS is a sham.

And, had I been diagnosed properly at 15 when I was first tested, would my adult health have suffered so badly? Would it have taken me 5 years to finally be a mom? Perhaps, but then again it would have saved me from the doctor telling the teenage me to, "put the fork down and exercise." And, i wouldn't have thought I was some freak girl with hair, dark spots and no period.

Anywho, all this rambling basically to get my thoughts out ther and get your opinions. I'm going to make the video equivelent of this post tonight when my husband gets home from work. I'm sure I'll get some advice there :)