Woo Hoo!

So, after my not so graceful breakdown last week, I am back on track with more ferver than I've had in a long time!! I had a breakdown just like that last time I lost weight and afterwards, I never looked back. I have done so well since then, and enjoyed it. Not like I used to do, where I'd eat healthy but be LONGING for something junk.

I'm already back down 9 pounds. And, I passed my first holiday test! My inlaws did their Thanksgiving on Sunday. I knew they wouldn't provide anything healthy, except the organic turkey they bought just for me (how sweet!). So, I brought a salad, a corn bean thing, and I made a ginger butternut squash pie from scratch. They all went over SO well, and I ate small portions and they were healthy, and I just, I'm so tickled with myself.

I know seeing negative comments about myself isn't fun or cool, but it's what works for me, to get my butt in gear!!

Debby Downer Riding the Roller Coaster

So, I am starting to get pretty bummed.

I was actually doing decent on eating right again (cant quite get the exercise down yet, I NEED structured exercise no just walking, videos..and right now my husband is on nights so can't get to the gym. He'll switch to days soon so that should help)

ANYWAYS, so, I think I'm a anomaly. We are struggling BIG time, financially. So much so, that I just had a pack of crackers for breakfast and crossing my fingers for lunch. You would think when there's nothing to eat you'd lose weight, right?! WRONG! We have been going down to the in-laws for dinner all week because they don't want to see us hungry...

Well, my father in law doesn't even know how to cook without deep frying SOMETHING. Plus, I started a postpartum period, so I sorta had that "I don't give a shit, give me some chocolate" attitude.

We get paid tomorrow though and I plan on getting back to eating ok..just to mess it up with T-giving. Bleh. I'm 278 pounds. I have lost 115 in the past, but I'm starting to try and accept that that will never happen, ever, again.

Before I was in a bubble. No husband. No kid. Not in the glutton filled south. It's not going to happen for me again. I just need to hold on to the wonderful memories of how great I felt when I lost my weight before.

I suck.

SO, after losing 12 pounds and being SO hyped up and excited and back on track..HALLOWEEN happens! I resisted candy all night, then BAM and I've eaten enough since last monday to gain back 8 pounds. BLEH. BUT...I have a new motivation...

My husband is in the Navy reserves (after seperating from active duty) and he's got his first ADT (training) in New Jersery.

AND...Corbin and I get to go!! It's only 35 mins from NEW YORK! I am so effing excited!!! Our first family vacation!

And, I want to look SEMI-decent in the pics (i wont be thin, but my face isn't so puffy when I eat right).

Already down a pound!

On another note...

My husband and I share a family bed and practice attatchment parenting and said we'd co-sleep with our son until he was ready to wean himself to his own bed. Well, he would nap in my arms and I would get no housework done. And, lately he wouldn't sleep well in my arms. So, I said you know what, let me try and get him to NAP in his crib and we'll still co-sleep, thinking that my little man wouldn't want to stop co-sleeping until around 6 years old?

WRONG.

My baby boy likes his crib better and has been sleeping in it exclusively for naps AND all night for 3 days :( Lots of people would be happy about this, but I cried my EYES out all night long and was up every 10 mins to make sure he was still breathing (we have the crib in our room, so it's still "technically co-sleeping" just not a family bed)

I mean I was a blubbering idiot. My husband was holding me and comforting me, but it was AWFUL. But, he went from waking up every 2 hours and being VERY fidgety to sleeping 10 hours and only waking up once to eat! *sigh* Does want me to tell the Redneck Fucks in my family that kept telling me "you'll learn." "you gettin' yourself into something you ain't gonna want" "You do that fancy, liberal, co-whatever thang you wanna do, you'll see when he's still in yor bed when he's a teenager" TO FUCK OFF!!! :)

Why did my son have to inherit my independent streak? LOL

That being said, and as sad as I was...

My husband suggests last night. When corbin goes to bed, why don't we take a shower together (we ALWAYS showered together before the baby came). And, then why don't we watch some X-files or star trek? (yes that is sexy to me lol)

I was so excited. He was deployed until 2 months after Corbin was born. And, we still haven't really gotten a chance to TRUELY re-connect, b/c we've been so GO GO GO!

Well, I was already in that hightened-randy-yummy mood b/c I had just watched the other love of my life, Michael Buble on dancing with the stars...

Hold on...I need a moment!!

mmmmm...ok that's done!

Anyways, so we have a very nice shower. (I admittedly hadn't showered in days and the spit up was starting to make a crusty layer, ewwwww)

It felt amazing. So, we come down stairs and I pick up the book I've been reading for a few weeks (The Autobiography of Malcolm X) and Vance turns on the X-flies DVD already in the TV.

I must admit not much reading or t.v. watching got done. He immeadiately starts with the sweet kissing all over my neck and back stuff...and let's just say the stairs in our new house got christened! :)

It was AMAZING! And, helped the grieving process about my not so little baby boy a little..ok alot.

What do you mean, 'you're bald and have a beard?'

So, I've received some questions from my lurkers who are confused about my blog's name.

In short "My Feminine 5'O'clock Shadow" ismy take on my Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome.

I am not ashamed of them, and feel just as womanly with beard or sans beard.

"So, Rena, you mean you have like a REAL beard?"

Not exactly. My hair growth on my face is much like the "beard" that that creepy 13 year old in middle school can grow. " It mainly manifests on either side of my chin, under my chin (you know, on that neck flab), the sides and on the point of my jaw bones.

"Well, Rena, you say you're ok with being hairy..I don't believe you from behind your key board."

Well, ya know...drastic, idiotic questions, require drastic, idiotic answers!! :)

I normally shave and tweeze my facial hair. Not out of shame, but truely as a safety precaution, as the hairs are quite prickly!! Seriously though...to answer this question I quit shaving on Tuesday..it is now Thursday (so, basically this is 2 days worth of hair growth).

Ok, so now that that's settled...

"What about your "bald spots."

I have male patterned baldness. I admit this is the one that only slightly bothers me. I used to have amazingly full, thick, and curly hair, and when I'd hairflip...angels sang, a soft yellow glow would emit from me, and Fabio would cry out in jealousy!!

I cut my hair a month or so ago for a few reasons. For one, my hair is falling out anyways because of the PCOS, but also because I was post partum. My son learned at a VERY young age how to pull hair, and honestly my hair didn't need help coming out.

It literally was coming out in HANDFULS. So, I chopped it. It's slowed a little with the weightloss, so I'm going to let it grow back out so I can rock a banana clip again.

But, until that time..here are a few examples of my bald spots. (The first picture shows a great example of my "spiral, jaw hair." I tend to see it as a super power..like I'm a Pokemon or something?)

Most people would be MORTIFIED to post pictures like this for the world to see. Well, ya know..it's me. I love me. Hair and all...and really I don't look like this on a daily basis..you can "cover up" the bald spots, and I shave a few times a week. But, I did this to show that even if I didn't, I'm ok with it.

In fact, that is why I named my blog what I did. I still feel like a woman even in these, not so flattering pictures. You may disagree, or think I look horendous (well, I kind of do, but that was the point), but, I personally believe it's because you aren't secure in yourself.

All this being said, I will be shaving the next time Corbin goes down for a nap, and I posted a picture of me to show I'm not all scaggy!! LOL

Fo Shizzle?

So, after battling the "alleged" swine flu for over a week, I weighed myself and have decided I'm on to a great new diet thingy. I have lost 12 pounds in one week! lmao

yeah ok so not the healthiest way to kick start my butt back into gear, but it certainly helped me through the food addiction withdrawls!!

I'm hyped up and am bound and determined to keep this train a rollin'

You Tube...

So, a year and a half ago I posted a video on youtube. No preconceptions. I had lost over 100 pounds, I felt great about that and figured I'd post my journey. I thought I'd get, I don't know 50 or so hits...well, as of this morning it has gotten over 54,000 views.

Though that tickles me pink, what REALLY surprised me is the hundreds of comments and messages I get everyday. Some of them just congratulating me. Then, there is the rare off handed rude remark, but I don't let it affect me. But, really a majority of the messages are messages of desperation.

Some of the messages bring tears to my eyes. I've had people tell me that they lost weight because of my video. That they are starting to accept their PCOS symptoms b/c of my video. I even had a message once from someone who said that they were so depressed at the bleak outlook of a life with PCOS that they were contemplating suicide but didn't after seeign my video.

I have guilt b/c I don't respond to all the messages as timely as I'd like. But, they all weigh on me. In fact, the more and more I get and the more and more messages I get, the more I contemplate my future.

I have never known what I wanted to be when I "grew up". I have so many interests I could never decide. But, they were all just that, interests. Mere, intriguing things. Nothing that lit a fire under my ass or in my heart.

I have entertained this thought, in jest, for a year or so now. And, with every message I get the more I seriously consider it. It gets me fired up like nothing else (well, except being a mom/wife, politics, gay rights, etc). Well, okay I'm a gruff, hethanistic woman, alot gets me fired up and passionate. There is just something about being a spearhead for PCOS that just gets me like nothing else.

The anger against this disorder I feel is immense when I see it affecting the quality of a woman's life. Yet, the uniquness it brings when you accept it as a part of you and you own your symptoms.

I really feel, for lack of a better, more atheistic phrase, I am "meant" to do something that involves PCOS and women. I can't pin point what yet...Wheter it be a nutritionist that specializes in PCOS. Or some sort of community figure or a gyno. The ob/gyn option is the most difficult and outrageous, but the one that pulls me the most. I can't count the number of times I was more well-versed on this disorder than my doctors. Or, the occasional doctor who think PCOS is a sham.

And, had I been diagnosed properly at 15 when I was first tested, would my adult health have suffered so badly? Would it have taken me 5 years to finally be a mom? Perhaps, but then again it would have saved me from the doctor telling the teenage me to, "put the fork down and exercise." And, i wouldn't have thought I was some freak girl with hair, dark spots and no period.

Anywho, all this rambling basically to get my thoughts out ther and get your opinions. I'm going to make the video equivelent of this post tonight when my husband gets home from work. I'm sure I'll get some advice there :)

Out of Commision

fighting the flu and so is the little one..will post soon!

Ready For A Hairy, Atheist, Hilarious, Fat/Skinny, Infertility Conquering, Witty Whirlwind?!

All thanks to my very good, very attractive friend, Ashlee for her quirpy blog that finally made my lazy behind start one of my own. Love you :)

So...Very First BLOG! Oh my! How doth one sum up an entire lifetime full of emotion, characteristics, likes and dislikes into a few witty paragraphs, flashy enough to be read?

I guess nothing is more interesting and newsworthy than the truth, eh? It has been my experience that most online have fallen down such a dark, "more interesting" version of theirselves online that they begina to either believe it, or are consumed by keeping up the faux version. I, however, am, to my constant disdain and offensive nature, am very blunt.

I simply was not born with a, "so-called", FILTER. I believe being honest with one's self is the ONLY way to find true, inner peace and happiness. Agreee or disagree? Doesn't matter, you'll find the truth much more exciting than anything I could ever concoct in this wibbly-wobbly brain of mine.

Stay tuned for "My life as a hairy, POCS slathered, Fat one minute, skinny the next, then fat again, green yet won't give up my dishwaher, infertility conquering, atheist mom living in the heart of the religion fueled South. It's gonna be great!!

P.S.--My preumptive apologies for any typos, grammatical errors, or the like...I'm most likely spoiling my son through attatchment parenting.